I always said that Soulja Boy would play a part in the end of humanity and now I've been proven right. YAAAH TRICK YAAAH.
*facepalm*
Did anyone actually notice normality completely disappear or were you all too busy listening to new-rave and buying those sickening canvas 'manbags'? This post isn't about the internet, I know - when I feel that I have found an internet nugget that is lulzworthy enough to blog about (Zonday's latest offering is tempting me...) I will, but in the meantime I have to ask - WHAT THE HELL? How were these freaks allowed to slip through the net? I thought there were systems to keep people from dressing and behaving in a way that is as socially unacceptable as this - bullying, intimidation, verbal and physical abuse etc...I completely understand the fact that fashions come and go, don't get me wrong. I for one am quite partial to the odd pair of slim-fit jeans, but I'm genuinely confused as to how there are people walking around in SKIN TIGHT DENIM without being arrested for indecent exposure. There is a reason high fashion is restricted to anorexic, coked up shells of human beings and plasticised gay men in their late forties - its to protect the public. But the line is becoming increasingly blurred, you only need to spend 10 minutes in Hoxton to see that...What used to be safely kept at a distance on the cat walks and ridiculous Manhattan high rises is now infiltrating our high streets, universities and places that used to be a safe haven, and I for one am sick of it.
Its not even the clothes (although lets be honest, its pretty difficult to see past them) - there's such an attitude that goes with them¹, and its subtle and its crafty and it makes people go 'Oh but they're just doing their thing, leave them alone'. And that's how they get you. I often wonder what would happen if these attention-whores were left isolated on a desert island with no-one to stare at them as they strut down the street. Believe me when I say I would find out if I could...
So, here is my run down of the 5 most unacceptable fashion statements of this year² starting with the most widespread of fashion viruses:
Skinny Jeans:
Sorry Russell, you look like a gay pirate. And so do all your followers.
As I've already stated, I actually quite like skinny jeans within reason. When I can see your pubic hair through the fabric, I think it's pretty safe to say that you've gone too far. Really, the problem here is not the jeans themselves, its the pro-ana stick like men who are bold (read: deluded) enough to wear them. Its bad enough that they only eat organic vegan food from a market in Shoreditch, without them having to flaunt their resulting twiglet legs. And the problem is, its gone so far beyond just skinny jeans - now it seems any fabric can be worn as long as its tight and offensive to the eyes. Yes, that means 'men' wearing anything from leopard skin leotards to pinstripe nylon skinnies and no-one really bats an eyelid. This upsets me. Not just because they look so bloody awful, but because instead of just walking into the womens section of Primark and buying a pair of jeans like they were doing a year ago, they have now resorted to actually unpicking the seam on trousers and re-stitching them themselves to make their cool new trousers as tight as physically possible. This spells the end of masculinity people - not only are 'men' now using sewing machines but skin tight trousers have been scientifically proven to increase the chances of infertility. Hear me now 'fashionistas' of the nation - STOP NOW OR YOU WILL WIPE OUT THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE.
Man Bags:
No, I'm not twisting your leg. The bags in the image above are designed for men. MEN. Another example of a perfectly reasonable fashion accessory being twisted and marketed in a completely objectionable way. I happen to own a bag that may have been described as a manbag at around this time last year, a satchel if you will. It was a perfectly practical alternative to the rucksack which can look scruffy and be generally inconvenient. This, however takes the biscuit. Never before has there been such a blatant example of gender bending in mainstream culture. They're just women's handbags that someone has decided it is acceptable for men to carry around and spend ridiculous amounts of money on. And it's not only the fact that they look like women's handbags (because you can get all sorts of types, like ones that look like cars or converse trainers!!1), its the fact that they have to be held like a woman's handbag. There'll be no casual 'over the shoulder' business with manbaggers, oh no - its held at your side or its not held at all...There's not even anything more practical about them, if anything they are more impractical than a normal bag or - and get this one - POCKETS. Oh wait, you can't fit your phone in your pocket because of your filthy skinny jeans.
V-Neck T-shirts:
Once again, I feel that I should point out that I don't actually have anything against V-necks, and once again I will point out that I do own several V Tees myself. There's a certain type of V-Neck, though, that really grinds my gears - I don't appreciate the fact that when you sneeze I can see your nipples. Nor do I want to see your beautifully waxed chest on show. Anyone who bases their dress style on Johnny Borrell deserves to have their privilege of being allowed to wear clothes taken away. I think it must be a sign of complete narcissism to wear one of these t-shirts - I imagine someone would have to be pretty in love with their own body to suffer the wind on their nipples like that. The problem is, although they may love the fact that we have to look at their chest, I certainly don't. Put it away.
New-Rave Designs:
I just can't really justify this. YOU WEREN'T EVEN BORN IN THE 80's SO STOP DRESSING LIKE YOU WERE. They truly got the kids on this one. At least manbags are worn by men old enough to make a rational decision about how 'kooky' they want to look. I swear some of the kids wearing this crap have barely hit puberty, its insane. As much as I'd love to blame the Klaxons (and believe me, they played their part), I think the main culprit is the high street clothing retailers. I suppose I sympathise with them (probably because once you've trawled through the neon patterned hoodies, there are actually some good clothes in there), they sure know how to get into the BMW X5 soccer moms' husband's wallets. Unfortunately, I have to take the moral high-ground here, because New-Rave clothes in H&M is a bit like Camel cigarettes ad campaigns - get 'em while they're young and you'll be rolling in it...
People really have taken this one to the extreme too, the lurid colours, the deliberately disgusting patterns, its all a bit like a visual heart attack - I sometimes just get out of breath looking at their trainers...I think the reason this style disgusts me so much is that it shows a complete disregard for that little principle called MODERATION. The other day I saw a bloke wearing Velcro strapped Nike hi-tops (fluorescent), a full body Adidas tracksuit (fluorescent), filthy home-dyed hair (fluorescent), and an odd 'sneaker' drawstring bag (yep, you guessed it - fluorescent). I had to go and ask someone for the date just to make sure I hadn't stepped through a portal to 1991. There's no half-way when you take on this one, its all or nothing visual bile. Even the original ravers of the 90's find it offensive to look at. This is fashion memetics at its worst, mostly because it gets combined with all the other styles too - yellow skinny jeans and a florescent pink v-neck? YES PLEASE! Oh dear...
Rave T-Shirts:
...and as a follow on from the previous section, I present to you the most mindless and vacuous of all the trends - Rave T-Shirts! Wearing one of these is a bit like hating George Bush - everyone does it because it 'seems like the right thing to do' but really you don't totally understand why. Its been statistically proven that 48% of people who wear Rave T-Shirts are actually illiterate and don't even know what their shirt says, they were just drawn in by 'the pretty colours'. It worries me that these pseudo political slogans are being thrown around so freely...won't someone please regulate the mindless and shallow drivel that is being perpetuated all over the public's chests? Its bad enough that people emblazon brands on their clothing³, but to conform to a completely tired format of what is meant to be a sincere form of communication shows a level of social ignorance that I can't even begin to comprehend. Yeah, its a brash and snobby thing to say (isn't that what this whole thing is about?) but I genuinely don't know why someone would choose to wear something like this as a fashion item in the full knowledge that the message is meant to be sincere. MAKE LOVE NOT WAR, MAKE MUSIC NOT BOMBS, MAKE KITTINZ NOT DRUGS...where does it end? How ridiculous will it get before someone in a position of power actually stops and says 'this is insanity'? I suppose as long as their pockets are getting lined by everyone else's quasi-political voice (if only they could hear themselves) then they're happy.
And I guess that's whats wrong with the world....
P.S I have no idea whats going on with the font sizing, the HTML looks like a lorry full of bombs hit it, I can't be bothered to fix it so deal with it.
¹ inb4hypocrisy - I know I have an attitude problem, but lets be honest - life would be pretty boring if people didn't have attitude problems. At least I know I'm a jerk...
² inb4somecleverdick - Yes, I know most of these existed before this year, thats half the problem, people just won't let things die...
³ inb4accusations - Yes, I am a culprit of this one and this is about as sincere as this blog is going to get - I think it takes a strong person to resist branding, but that's for another time. Lets get back to the scathing cultural criticism shall we ;p
